he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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