Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
