It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
