New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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