**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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