just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
