New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
