I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
