she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
