she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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