A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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