Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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