she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Boobs speak an international language.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
