Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
