he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
