Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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