just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
