Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
