My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
