I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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