I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
