I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
