Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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