Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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