I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
