shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The dick lei will go down in squad history
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
