youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
