No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
