i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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