**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
areolas are like halos for boobs.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
