he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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