Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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