I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
