The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
