At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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