Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
