I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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