i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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