i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
