I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
