When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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