yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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