No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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