just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
