So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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