I'm jealous of your bromance
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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