i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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