Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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