TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
