Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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